Here’s a round-up of the top mommy moments over the last year. I hope you enjoy a good laugh!
My daughter Stella (18 months) locked herself in our guest bathroom and proceeded to pull out drawers behind the locked door. So even if we jimmied the lock open, there was no way to get the door open unless she shut the drawers, which we knocked off their track bc we were trying to push the door open. We couldn’t take the door off its hinges because the hinges are inside the bathroom. So I am in the hallway freaking out, she is screaming (because the lights are off and she was scared). Long story short, we end up having to take a sledge hammer to the door to break it down while trying to make sure she is safe. It was a freaking nightmare. And now I have no door to our guest bath. It is on my to do list, but the list is long and I don’t have very much free time, so I’ll get to it when I get to it!
It was one of those nights where I didnʼt want to make dinner, so we drove through a drive-thru. Olivia, 6, is deathly afraid of mosquitoes. (She is also very dramatic.) If she *thinks* thereʼs one within a hundred feet of her, sheʼll scream. Have you ever been driving, then out of nowhere you hear a blood curdling scream? Pretty awesome. Anyway, I had to roll the window down to order. She yelled for me to roll it up so a mosquito wouldnʼt fly in. I calmly told her I had to roll it down so I could order her nutritious dinner. After ordering, I rolled it up, but had to roll it back down at the 1st window so I could pay. Once again, thereʼs yelling from the backseat to roll up the window. We got to the 2nd window to get our food. Window down, bags of food passed to me, and…. screams. Loud screams. Everyone in the restaurant was looking in my car. The employee was trying to ask if I wanted milk or chocolate milk. Neither of us could hear. I told her, calmly, that there was a mosquito in our car. Like that would make sense to her. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to make up a cool story. “Sorry for the screaming… my 6 year old is beating up a lion in the backseat.”
This actually kind of scary but I really laughed later when I retold it to friends. My baby Max is 18 months old. He is into everything! I mean EVERYTHING. So about two weeks ago he took a bottle of spray air freshener off the back of the toilet in my master bathroom. I was standing in my closet grabbing something and when I turned around he was running away. Well, he was able to twist it open and he drank it! He drank Votivo Red Currant Room Spray. Well, right away he threw up a little in the bottle so the proof was floating around right there. I had to call poison control and he was fine. Yadda Yadda. Anyway, about four days later I was standing there applying my fabulous mascara and talking to my four year old, Cole, about whatever new Skylander is soon to hit the streets. Max was riffling through one of the drawers in the bathroom. I wasn’t worried because I had already padded all the walls and removed anything he could possibly eat, drink or spray on his brother. The joke was on me because lo and behold he weaseled a nail polish bottle out of the depths of a drawer that I somehow missed. I didn’t even know I had nail polish anymore much less a quick dry top coat. In two seconds flat with Cole and I both standing right there he had that sucker open and was shivering and spitting as if he took a drink. My four year old immediately started crying and yelling that Max was going to die. I grabbed the bottle and brush out of his hands and started yelling, “Did you drink it”?! To which he replied with a whole body shiver, “Yucky”! Great. Just great. I sat him on the counter and he immediately opened his mouth and let me smell his breath ( he knew the drill already, don’t forget about the room spray he drank just days ago). Sure enough, his entire mouth smelled like nail polish. As only my luck would have it, it was clear polish. At least color would have given the details away a little more easily. My oldest is literally in hysterics. He grabbed the phone and through his tears is begging me to please call Poison Control! So them I shoved Max’s face under the faucet to rinse the polish out, Cole was crying and screaming that Max was going to die and I was trying to be calm and asked him to calm down and guess who walked in? Whoops, my husband is working from home that day. Awesome. Well, needless to say Max is still alive and we may have him tested for Pica disorder because I handed him a whole apple in the car yesterday and this is all he handed back to me. Where is the core, the seeds or the rest of the apple? Wish me luck folks. It’s going to be a long 16 1/2 years.
Last Saturday, while I was getting ready to hit the town for sac fashion week, my two year old needed his diaper changed. So we went into his bedroom to change him. While I was gathering the diaper and wipes he asked, “Mom, you wearing dress?”. And I said, ” Yes, mommy is going bye bye.”. He then proceeded to melt my heart by saying, ” Mom, mom, you beautiful!”. I began to tear up and said, ” Awwww, thank you Henry. You are so sweet!”. He laid down so I could change him and with a toy gun in his hand said, “Mom, mom, I kill you!”. I laughed and told him that we don’t talk like that or kill people. So he said, “I kill football.”. It was seriously so sweet and disturbing all at the same time.
This happened several weeks back when I took my daughter to Kaiser for a checkup. We had been in the waiting room for an eternity as usual and my daughter, London, was getting antsy. All of the sudden a nurse walks out and calls for Alice. As if on cue, London breaks out into song…Alice the camel has three humps. Alice the camel has… Right away all the parents are laughing under their breath as I am trying to wrangle my daughter who had crawled about four chairs down from me to tell her that Alice is the little girls name and not a camel in this case. Then I nearly died of embarassment.
I’m downstairs making dinner, the hubs is on the couch and the boys are running around being crazy with their walkie talkies. Issac my youngest was down in the kitchen with me and Drake was upstairs. Issac says, “Drake, Drake, come in Drake. DRAKE!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING DRAKE?” Yes he was yelling at this point and it’s DEAD quiet on the other end. All of a sudden I hear “PPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” that’s right ladies, Drake was in the bathroom peeing with the walkie talkie on so Issac could hear him. We all started laughing hysterically and all I could do was shake my head and say “Boys!!”.
Here’s the scene – Christmas Eve, just finished mass, and we’re in the back of the Church talking to old friends and their families. Most of the parishioners have left and the people are starting to arrive early for the next mass.We’re all dressed up. I’m in very high heals and my daughter is in a bright red puffy dress. She’s getting bored when I see her turn and stare at the decorated alter. I know exactly what she’s thinking. She takes a quick glance at me then takes off down the aisle. She’s running full speed and I immediately chase her in my heals. She makes it to the alter and we’re running back and forth and I just can’t catch her. She’s so fast for a 2 year old! I decide to take a break and look at the audience. People are smiling and beginning to laugh, my mom looks horrified, and I’m comforted by the sympathetic looks other mom’s of young children are giving me. Brooke decides to take a break too in Father’s chair but quickly runs when I begin to chase her again. I’m now just hoping that she doesn’t trip on an electrical cord or knock over the very large Christmas tree or one of the many lit candles. Thankfully, she takes a nose dive. She’s unhurt and I manage to scoop her up and quickly walk down the aisle. It was the mommy version on the “walk of shame.” So embarrassing!!!