7:36am: Brady wakes up and we are all supes-dupes excited to start his day. He has his Ninja Turtle unders on and he’s excited to earn his first m&m. We dance and sing a little “Poops in the Dupes” and have high spirits. Its going to be a great day!
8:19am: “Mom I’m pooping!” He yells from the backyard as pee is streaming down his leg. I calmly scoop him up and carry him to the bathroom where I tell him to sit and finish. Nothing ends up in the toilet. NBD, it’s just one accident. I’m cool as a cucumber. We change his unders and pack up the diapers to say good-bye. He’s back outside.
****Problem: he thinks pee is poo. Oh crap, literally.
8:26am: “Ahhhhhhh!” He yells from the backyard. He’s peeing, again, clearly he wasn’t finished the first time. Instead of putting him on the potty and wiping him down, I just hose him down. What? It’s hot. Don’t judge, he thought it was fun. I gave him a fresh pair and told him to try to keep these ones dry.
9:00am: I call my parents for moral support only to hear laughter on the other end. My dad tells me that he, my 90yo Grandma (who raised 4 boys without any apps or revving potties), and my 13yo niece have been taking turns reading aloud my “Potty Training Manifest” as he calls it. Thanks dad, I’m glad you find this amusing. Ha!
9:50am: Crap, I just realized BOTH kids have a dentist appointment at 11am. Time to get them ready and pray that he doesn’t pee in the carseat, the dentist’s office, or in the dentist’s chair. Oh, and pray that he actually opens his mouth at the DDS.
10:00am: I put on a DVD from 2001 so I can get dressed, it must have come from my mom. They are eating strawberries and completely enthralled. Is any of this actually sinking in?!? Yay! Things could be looking up!
10:35am: I sent “Big Sister Helper” with B to the bathroom to try going before we had to leave for the dentist. She’s reading him a book and he’s happily sitting on the big toilet.
10:41am: There are screams from the bathroom. I run there to see that he is sitting on the toilet on the ground. He’s crying because there is pee all over his unders and the floor. Success!!!! (I’ll take it where I can get it!) We celebrate his success with “Pee Pee in the Pott-ay” and they both get an M&M.
11:05am: We finally get there and they remind me that B has to get X-rays….Great.
11:44am: They’re both done with their exams, while I’m chatting with the dentist, B pees on an ottoman in the gaming alcove. At least they have plenty of clorox wipes. At that moment, I realize I don’t have any Clorox wipes in my “Potty Training Emergency Kit” (PTEK). Why don’t I? How did I forget that?
11:52am: We head to Target to stock up on Clorox wipe canisters and Clorox Wipes to go for the car and my PTEK.
12:39pm: We’re all in the family bathroom at Target trying to make B go before the ride home. Nada. He’s actually fighting it loudly. Oh Lord, please don’t let people think I’m beating him or something.
12:55pm: We get home and I make him try again. Nothing….Is he part camel now?
1:53pm: The kids are finally down and I’m starving and my house is a mess. There are dirty dishes to be washed and laundry to do. Also, something stinks….Did he have an accident that I didn’t know about…What is that smell? Seriously? Maybe I’ll light my new Mango Coconut Cooler candle. There, that’s better.
Instead of cleaning, I decide to eat my grief in the form of leftover chinese noodles. What am I doing wrong? Will he be in diapers forever? He’s a size 6, will he have to wear adult diapers next? Oh no, will I have to buy them? What if someone sees me buying adult diapers?! Will they think they are for me? When I say they are for my 12 year old, will that be any less embarrassing. No, no, no I’ll just say they’re for me. What?! OK I am totally losing it. Is 2pm too early for some vino on a Tuesday? Yes it is, I cannot be the mom buying adult diapers and that smells of chardonnay. This town isn’t big enough for that…
BTW – That’s not better. Now it smells like Mango Coconut Cooler scented pee. Yuck.
4:15pm: Brady wakes up from his nap. Miraculously, his diaper is dry! Amen! Things are looking up! He’s totally got this!!!! Woohoo!
4:20pm: He’s running around the living room acting like he reeeeeaaaaallllyyyyy has to poop. I run him into the bathroom and sit with him while he’s “trying”. A good five minutes and nothing. I even danced the “running man” with his unders on my head.
4:25pm: He’s in the living room and yells that he is pooping. WTH?! Does he not understand what is what??? I swear I’ve thoroughly explained this to him. While he’s sitting down in the bathroom, I hug him to try to calm
myself him down. We sat for 10 minutes and went over animal flash cards….nothing. Then I proceeded to do the “Pee Wee Herman” dance to show him that pee comes from here and poop comes from there. Get it right!
4:35pm: He’s outside while I’m setting up some *drought friendly* water play. He starts yelling and Lyla’s pointing at a puddle on the ground. I scoop him up and run to put him on the toilet. I left him for a minute to finish setting up outside. I hear screaming from him that I have never ever heard before. I run in to find him sitting on the big toilet still peeing but his hips are up so it’s like a fountain. He’s peed all over the big toilet, the little toilet, himself, the wall, and all over the ground. Oh shit. (Sorry readers, it was needed.) I lift him up, take him outside and hose him down. Can I also hose down the bathroom?
At this point I contemplate popping a Xanex and making a reso at a hotel for myself. Dreams of sleep in a non-pee-strewn location flood my mind. The hubster comes home soon, should I pack my bag now and let him know when he arrives. Instead, I open a bottle of wine, drink a glass, then tackle the mess. Thank goodness I stocked up on clorox wipes. I currently feel like I have the dirtiest, yet most sanitized bathroom in all the galaxy.
5:15pm: My husband comes home and we order pizza. There are no more issues the rest of the night. But also no more pee either. And the poop, where is the poop? I know it’s coming……
7:00pm: Bedtime!! Yay!
I hope tomorrow is a better day….at least I’ll have Clorox wipes.