I hope you’re all have a great day! Don’t forget to drop me a line to RSVP for our Momtourage Night Out tomorrow night at Hawk Restautrant in Granite Bay. I’ll be sending them our final rsvp later today, so let me know whether or not you can make it.
In another life, I was an event planner. I worked at a fabulous facility where I did countless weddings and other events. It was a big operation. The hours were nuts but the clients were always entertaining. Over time I will share some of my client’s wedding day stories. Some are sweet and magical and…some are just NUTS (I’ll of course change names to protect the innocent…or in this case the insane).
First, let’s talk about the Mother-of-the-Groom. Most times this particular role is payed by someone who is genuinely kind, happy, and supportive (if you’re lucky, like me). However, other times it is the role of a lunatic. So consumed with jealousy that some other woman has come between her and her son. (Most likely, that will be me.) But rarely, is the side I am about to expose seen. This is an exceedingly weird side.
Meet Nancy, she is a mom to two sons, one is 30 and married for 2 years, the other is 27 and getting married for the first time. The elder son’s wedding was uncomfortable because mom got completely %^#$faced at the cocktail hour then she passed out in her hotel room for the entire cocktail portion, or so the story was told to me. This time, however, this time was to be different. This is her preeeeshuuuussss babeeeeee she was going to savor every moment. So she kept herself together for the ceremony, refrained from vodka in the limo, and even drank *gasp* water during the cocktail hour. But when her preeeeshuuuussss babeeeeee and the new missus had their grand entrance into the reception room, well that was all she could handle. She started to guzzle the drinks like a pledge at his first frat party. She tried to eat her lovely catered meal of chicken piccatta, but it was hard to swallow the salty brininess without a vodka chaser. So she asked for a double vodka neat and then another and then another. She smiled graciously as people complimented her on the lovely evening and her taffeta dress with matching bolero jacket. She looked smart, dressed for the occasion and it was a complimentary shade the bridesmaids cocktail dresses.
She was just biding her time until he DJ called her to the dance floor for “her moment”. Then it happened. She heard the sweet musical stylings of Rod Stewart, Mr. Sexy himself. “Have I told you lately…” he crooned. She took to the dance floor with her son while everyone cheered for them. It was a sweet moment….until her hands made a move down south…yup. She cupped his butt. But no one noticed…because she was turning her head and opening her mouth for a frenchie….from her son! Simultaneously while she was cupping his rear. At this point, I threw up a little in my mouth. I’m not gonna lie. But, it got real uncomfortable when the DJ stopped the tune and the groom pushed her away and then left the room. The party’s over people because there isn’t enough booze in the world that can make the image of a mother putting the moves on her son on the dance floor out of your head…Awkward…
But I digress…because I’ve got a much more belligerent, much less mother loving story to tell you about a girl named Summer who liked sex and drugs. “Summer is getting married bitches!” is what her and her bridesmaid’s shirts said that they wore to the resort all day. It was clear, Summer was calling the single life quits. She had quite a time she told me. At the ripe old age of 23 she had seen it all. So, this was her night. Her night to
let it all hang out shine. She and her girls had a fantastic time getting ready for her big night. There was illicit drugs and tons of booze. Security and I tried to stop her from consuming anything other than water. But to no avail. And, we would have called the cops if we had proof of the drugs. Never actually saw it, but we all knew. Shockingly, her ceremony came and went without incident. After the photos that followed the ceremony, they all hid away in the suite. The entire wedding party was partying…..
Then they were told they were needed on the ballroom, you know for their grand entrance. When they walked by me and I tried to line them up…I noticed that they were on autopilot. The drugs were in charge. So I wrangled them like weird feral kittens. As soon as they were in the ballroom…it was on! Oh man, I can’t even explain everything that went on at this point. Let me try…
The bride, went directly to the head table and began to make a toast that went something like this:
“Hello family and friends…thank you of coming to celebrate my big day…wooooooo!” She slurred. “I am so happy to be marring Ken. Mmmm…wait…” The she put her hands into her dress and took out he flesh colored jelly things us “ladies” put into our bras to add volume. “Chicken cutlets”, if you will, and threw them onto the head table.
“Ahhhhh much better.” She says as everyone looks on in horror. So she continues….”I was dating and dating and dating dead end guys. I was beginning to think that no one would want to marry me. Let alone have sex with me.” Her parents and aunts and uncles tried to hold back their shock…but that weird uncle was laughing. “You know it’s hard to commit to someone with herpes because herpes…well it’s forever.” The crowd was shocked. Some people ordered shots, most shook their heads and looked away, and some people called there doctors and asked for an immediate STD test. Next, she dropped the mic and weirdos clapped and then the dancing began.
Are you familiar with a “jack stand”. Here’s a pic.
Well, it’s just like a taller luggage rack with a busser’s tray on top. It’s in the corners of most ballrooms and disguised with a linen wrapped around it. The buss boys but all the dirty dishes on top. Anyway, Summer’s sister, Autumn, decided it would be a great idea to dance on top of this. So she got herself up on top, then she fell… And was stuck in the stand part with her dress around her waist. And, she was commando. Awkward……
I hope you enjoyed these awkward wedding moments. Have a great Wednesday!
(All photos courtesy of Pinterest.)